Did I ever tell you about the time I insulted Bruce Campbell? No? Well, it’s a pretty good story, I think.

Mr. Campbell’s appearing at Olsson’s books and records, right? I pick up a copy of his book and get a number. I wait around for about an hour, maybe two hours, and finally, my number is called. I’m number one-hundred forty-one. I’ve been waiting all this time just to meet the man Bruce Campbell.

I’ve seen his shows. I’ve watched his movies. I’ve relished the cameos he’s had in various movies and other television shows. I’ve thought about what I want to say. Needless to say that this helped me not one bit. I was thinking that I did not want to appear the “deranged fan.” Yet, I know he’s a great believer in the “working stiff” of Hollywood, as opposed to the “celebrities” that only want green M&M’s in their hotel.

So, I walk up to him.
Oh my god, it’s Bruce Campbell.
“Hello Mr. Campbell.”
He stops for a moment, looks at my name.
“Uh, Filemon, sir.”
“Filemon? That’s an unusual name.”
“Well sir, I have to say, I’m pretty excited. You’re the first celebrity I’ve ever met.”
“Oh really?”


“Well, you know.” (Here comes the insult.)
I make quotation mark motions with my hands.



Bruce Campbell points towards the bowl of candy on the table. “Here.” He starts to sign my book. “Have some candy.”