Category Archives: Blog

Surprise!

Hey what’s up lots of monkeys fam, it’s ya boi FILEMON is back up to his bullshit—And that my friends, is where the joke ends.

Thank you.

In any case, here is a wonderful picture of me and my wife that I’m incredibly proud of.

Reese and Cyrus, ready to protect whatever you decided
to name your town in Animal Crossing
Photo by Yenra Photography

Reese (Pink) and Cyrus (Blue) are characters from the video game series Animal Crossing. They are a husband and wife team that run the Re-Tail store in the town. They are never armed with pink and blue weapons in the game. This is my headcanon where they are in combat for a mysteriously vague ill explained reason, but that wasn’t important—the important part was getting to look like badasses.

This was a very fun shoot, but also a little challenging for me. I’m not accustomed to being the center of anything. In fact, for most of my life I’ve always tried to be as unassuming as possible but that’s another kind of blog post.

I’m typically the person behind the camera, not the person simultaneously trying to make sure my costume is set up properly, that yes, I’m angled into the lights, while simultaneously holding a crouched position on a not quite 100% stable rock, internally screaming OH MY GOD IS THAT MOSQUITO THE SIZE OF A HALF DOLLAR, while also having this argument with myself:

Me: “Is this my good side—Do I even have a good side?”

Also Me: “Whoa whoa, wait.”

Me: “What?”

Also Me: “Stop self deprecating and experience this moment. Learn from it later—but do your best right now.”

“Okay.”

There are other, more in character Animal Crossing pictures, but this one is my favorite because I imagine Reese and Cyrus as good partners who are there for each other, even in less than ideal situations. They trust each other, they have each other’s backs.

And they look good doing it.

An Improvement

Never thought I’d be doing this, but a little contact paper on this table has turned it from a horizontal surface for junk mail, back into a dining room table.

The application wasn’t too difficult and there were issues, but I’m at a place in my life where I realize that done is in many cases better than perfect.

I would have been mad or disappointed in myself with this application in the past because I believed everything had to be perfect.

Now I guess with wisdom and some self awareness, I’m finally able to forgive myself.

I think it looks great, can’t wait to get it applied on to the kitchen counters after our Doctor / R2 paint job.

Singularity, of Sorts

In particular, the broad definition of Singularity where we as a society have progressed, technology wise, to a place where we were unable to even conceptualize what it would be like.

So I’m going to go back to 1997, I’m in a dorm lounge, and I’m playing the pinnacle of video games, GoldenEye on the N64, on a large projection TV, with four other friends, yelling, specifically not picking Odd Job, and thinking—

“It is never going to get any better than this.”

Twenty years later, I am at home, taking a lunch break. I turn on my console and invite one of those friends (one of the same ones I was playing GoldenEye with) to a party chat. The voice quality is very good, they sound like they are in the room. I’m playing on a flat screen LCD television, only 1080p, I’m thinking about upgrading to 4k maybe after our tax returns are processed. We’re playing Anthem, taking down scores of Dominion soldiers, and just chatting and catching up as we play video games.

In short, the every day experience of playing video games has changed past the point I could even conceive of in 1997, but I’m also playing video games with the same people I played with over 20 years ago, which is also amazing.

I don’t know how they’re going to change from this point on. We have VR, we have the infrastructure, but honestly if we (as human beings) can make it another 25 years I’m pretty certain that the video games that my nieces and nephews will be playing will be nearly indistinguishable from the games we’re playing now.

But I’ll hopefully be playing them with the same good people.

An Announcement

Right now I’m playing the video game Anthem, and watching my cat play with a newly rediscovered toy of his. 

I’m also blogging.  I’ve taken some time off from work and given myself a gift: Some time to myself. 

One of those things is writing again, a sort of jump start. Some of the product of that journaling and writing was the discovery of a project. I blogged semi regularly before, but never really had a strong focus for it.  Right now I’m still collecting thoughts on paper, and beginning to get my research accessible and all in one place.

It’s going to involve some pictures, some links on the internet, maybe some names will be changed, maybe not? If a person is named on the internet but is never tagged in social media, were they ever really named at all? It’ll be an exercise more than anything else. A direction, certainly, a destination? I can’t say.

I’ll try to make it sound like we haven’t talked in a while and I’m catching you up.

I’d like that.

The Dinner Party

“You know that stuff is going to kill you.” I watch my grandfather across the table. He is slicing gleefully into a longanisa, alongside an oily fried egg and some garlic fried rice. I can see a tiny rivulet of fat running onto the plate, and even though I’m somewhat repulsed, I know it’s delicious.

I imagine what it must have been like in the bank when it happened. From what I remember it was sudden, and there wasn’t a lot of pain. Just a old man in a Wells Fargo security uniform, splayed out on the floor, his face a grimace of pain until finally, he relaxes.

He dips the longanisa in the coconut vinegar careful not to get any on his sportscoat as he moves it to his mouth. I imagine the flavor, the tang, the powerful garlic infused vinegar tempering the sweet sausage. I haven’t had any in literally decades, and my mouth waters at the thought of the sweet and the sour flavors mingling. He finishes the bite, following it with a forkful of fried rice. He finishes the bite, wiping off his mouth with a napkin before speaking to me.

He smiles.

“I know, Peejay” he says. “But not right now.” I’ve forgotten his voice. When I hear him speak, what I attribute to him as his voice is approximated, an amalgam of older Filipino men that I’ve heard over the course of my life. I realize that I haven’t heard that voice at all, in a long time.

There are no older Filipino men in my life right now.

There’s muffled laughter from the other side of the table. There’s my father, overdressed as usual, sipping on a cappuccino.  I look past him out the windows and see rain slicked pavement reflecting the streetlights.

For some reason he’s also having breakfast.

“You laugh, but that’ll kill you too, eventually.” I warn. He shrugs with one hand and simultaneously drinks his cappuccino. The one with too much sugar already in it.  Strangely it wasn’t complications due to his diabetes that led to his death. It was a cardiac event, just like his father.

And for this one I have a first hand eyewitness account. I don’t have to imagine what it’s like. I learn all of this from one of my father’s coworkers, in a hotel suite right before my father’s funeral. My mother and brother are beside me.

My father is working in a warehouse. His coworker asks him if he wants a coffee.

“Sure,” my dad says, looking down at a clipboard, checking boxes, “two sugars,” he adds before saying thanks. Unlike my grandfather I know his voice. Bright, strong, with an accent battered down as low as it can go after fifty years of speaking English. Most importantly, it’s loud.  I hear it in my head, echoing in the warehouse.

The coworker is gone for five minutes and discovers my father laying flat on the ground, face down, clipboard several feet away from him.

He jokes with my father briefly before throwing the coffees to the ground and calling Emergency Services.

When they were done, he tells me, “it looked like they tried to save ten men.”

Too fast. It was just too fast.

My father takes another sip of his cappuccino and audibly smacks his lips, wrinkling his face and closing his eyes as he sighs. He looks happy.

“Hell of a dream I’m having.” I say. My grandfather swallows another bite and then looks over at me. He turns to my father with a knowing glance and nods.

“Peejay,” my father turns to me and takes a bite out of a croissant that was on his plate. Crumbs spilling everywhere he manages to verbalize, “This is a really good croissant.”

I look around the room. It’s a dining room composed of all of the fanciest country club dining areas I could imagine. It’s wood, incandescent lighting, good china.

It’s a large space and we’re alone, but it doesn’t seem empty at all.

I look down at my plate. It’s a flank steak. I slice off a small piece and take a bite. It’s delicious and from what I’ve learned it’s probably a 131 degree Fahrenheit cook for five hours in the sous vide and then seared in an iron skillet with a pat of butter.

And because it’s apparently breakfast, a poached egg.

They don’t want to talk about it. I get it.  I turn to my Grandfather, the first Filemon.

“So I’m curious, what did I look like initially when you got here?” I wonder, briefly if he saw an eight year old boy with a bowl haircut and a private school uniform. It was the last time I remember seeing him alive. The next time I was wearing a navy blue suit and tie at the funeral. I was too young to understand death then. I’m really sure I don’t now.

“No I saw you as you imagine you are now. Not as pogi as when I was your age, but you’re not bad.” He chuckles.  I struggle briefly before remembering pogi is handsome in English.

“Not as handsome as me?” my father protests.

“First of all,” I interrupt, “Dad, you have croissant crumbs all over your jacket.” He looks down, appears surprised, and starts to brush them off. “And secondly, I know I look better than all of you because you only get something right in the third generation.”

We laugh. We eat, we talk. Mostly, we laugh. Big resounding laughter fills the empty space and gives it life. In that moment, I know where I get it from, the ubiquitous it that my friends point out.

In between the laughter, I want to tell them everything. But for some reason it’s all small talk. And it’s nice, and pleasant, and all the things I wanted from dinner with my grandfather and my father.

All the things I’ll never get.

Dinner is over and we begin the walk out the door. I’m rather reluctant to leave, but I know I have to be somewhere.

“Well, I guess—” my father has run up to me and is bear hugging me. Somehow he’s lifting me and he looks so happy. I am filled with an overwhelming happiness myself. Somewhere, in the back of my head, I wonder, “How am I so light?”

And then it’s over.

I wake up.

I’m crying.

And I’m so heart achingly happy.