Lots of Monkeys

Gillet’s Five Bladed Razor of Smoothness

They called Gillet mad when he proposed this design to the Dwarven Razorsmiths of Azerica. (“Why would a dwarf shave?”) Undaunted by the laughter of his peers, Gillette went on a quest to find the lightest, rarest, strongest materials worthy of his project. A shaving implement of unimaginable power.

And smoothness!

Five years later, the blades were forged in the fiery depths of Mt. Groom, tempered in the creamy oil pits of the B’rill highlands. Gillet collapsed from the colossal effort. His eyes never set upon his final creation. Imagined lost to the ages, Gillet’s Five Bladed Razor of Smoothness has the following properties.

Gillet’s Five Bladed Razor of Smoothness is a shaving implement. Upon use, it casts a +1 Charisma Charm (duration: one day) on the user. Use the Razor requires a successful roll of average difficulty. Dexterity bonus applies. Purchasing the Razor gives a penalty of -2 to Intelligence and Wisdom. This penalty lasts until the user discards the Razor from his inventory.

I just recently posted about the four bladed battery operated razor.

I give you, the five bladed razor. This is truly, the best a man can get.

At least, until the six bladed razor.

I guess they have to keep making the actual blades smaller and smaller. Eventually, we’ll get a razor that features infinite diminishing recursion, where each razor is half as small as the razor preceding it.

Every time you shave with it, you end up shearing the gossamer veil that separates the infinite worlds, but damn, that shave will be smooth.

I was running late that day, after forgetting my work keys, then my phone, then my wallet. Each time I remembered I was already out the door. Each time, another ride up the elevator, another unlocking of the door.

I depend so much on things that are so tiny.

I was fifteen minutes late, way past my usual five minutes late. A final check determined that I didn’t have a handkerchief, but I could live without one for that day. I probably had one at work.

I made the left turn into the alley running parallel to Nebraska Avenue. Beads of sweat were forming on my forehead. It wasn’t hot, but it certainly wasn’t cold either. I was regretting the handkerchief decision from earlier.

The two older gentlemen must have been in their late fifties, early sixties. They walked alongside each other and although I wasn’t actively eavesdropping, I couldn’t help but overhear. The shorter one was talking about the garden and what they had to do for the coming winter.

I knew which garden they were talking about. I saw them exiting one of the houses I pass on my commute. The house has model railroad track that completes a circuit around the back yard. One end loops around a small garden.

I briefly considered passing them, but their walking pace was brisk, and we arrived at Nebraska Avenue at the same time.

We had just missed the light. As the light turned green, the cars moved forward twenty feet. They were parked so close I could have crossed the street and never touched asphalt. There was a brief pause.

Then the horns erupted.

I looked at the blocked intersection, grimacing as the horn blowing grew more and more frequent. I adjusted my bag. All the little things add up into a larger, more burdensome whole.

The taller one turned to his partner, his voice raised so that he could hear him over the swelling cacaphony. “I swear, we’re becoming the most uncivilized country in the world!”

Standing next to them, I yelled, “Becoming?!”

The three of us laughed.

The shorter one yelled back, “Well, I was around when we were civilized!”

I chuckled. “It must have been nice! I’m sorry I never saw it!”

Crossing against the light, drowning in a sea of cars, I knew we were fighting a losing battle.

Edit: Initially, the last sentence was going to be, “Crossing against the light, drowning in a sea of cars, I knew that I would have to kill every last one of them to make this place right.” But I don’t think it went along with the rest of the piece.